Welcome to The ancient Church of the Blue Moon! (founded 2009) May you not drop your last bran muffin in the camel's Pen. May they not name a new social disease for you and your pet cat and, finally, May your orthodontist not be cited for harboring beavers. On the affirmative side, may all your blind dates glow in the dark!
At the Church of the Blue Moon we maintain a positive attitude. We feel that "The carrot or the stick" is just a crummy offer from a sex offender. We don't like that! Our favorite thing is the blessing.... So, bless you, dirt ball (just kidding!) We also like good works like giving to the poor and not copping a "tude" "Can't we all just get along?" Well, of course we can.
If the church can help you along on your way then our mission will be fulfilled. Did Barbara Bush get all down and mopey when she visited West Texas and boll weevils ate her hair down to the roots? Hell no! she just prayed to her Satan and it all grew back (of course, again, the joke was on her.)
As founder of the Church, it is about time to let you know who I am. I'm the evil Rush Limbaugh (no I'm not) My name is Farrell Hamann so, when you're making out the check, please get it right. Bless you! I'm not the other Farrell Hamann. I never played college basketball and the other one probably never owned a Studebaker Silver Hawk. I was ordained years ago by the Universal Life Church, the one located in Modesto. They are nice down there and let you start up your very own church.
One thing, please no jihad against the Church of the Blue Moon. I'm on your side, really. PLUS, I have protection! I have been slapped by a Guru, if that's not a blessing, I don't know what is.... (it happened in Detroit, more later.) Some years ago there was a jihad against Barney. "I love you, you love me, we're as happy as can be", that Barney. Don't know if it is still in effect. Hard to hide if you're Barney the purple dinosaur.
Off on a tangent; I was gored by a bull in Mexico. That was no fun except the roar of the crowd when I grabbed it by the horns thinking I could flip it over and then run away. Yeah right!, that didn't happen. I must have been asking for it when the bull found me lurking like a flattened tick in a shallow doorway. The bull didn't laugh like a lunatic as did that Guru.
Why did I decide to become a man of the cloth, you ask? Why is easy, so I could Bless you, that's why. Bless you! WHEN I decided is a little more difficult to pin down. I think it was when I was up in Alaska, warming myself over some fresh bear droppings. It was nasty cold and the chill winds were blowing in through the holes in my pants. Life seemed dire and, in fact, it was. My matches were wet and I knew there was at least one bear I couldn't count on in the immediate future.
Ah, to survive, to survive, that was key! And then? Like magic, a hole opened up in the clouds and a thin ray of sunshine streamed down upon a chipmunk, who, laughing in chipmunk, alerted me to it's presence. Food and warmth, I thought, a double header. I made a grab for the little bugger but missed then claimed the sunshine as my own. Ha Ha, the blessings flowed that day, let me tell ya.
I have the most practice blessing my wife, I put my hand upon her head and say, bless you. That does the Job. I started blessing her in exchange for her promise to stop telling people that I lie in our bed staring up at the textured ceiling and seeing scary faces. That's not something I want her to be telling people, evil blackmailer!
Moving along..... How can you join the Church? Not a problem. Consider yourself joined and I'll email you all the things you'll have to do later. What other church hits you with all the big stuff right up front? Not many, I'm sure. That would kill the mood right then and there.
Check this out; since you'll be getting in at the beginning, there could be some cushy roles ahead, my dear Acolyte. We'll work out the rituals and titles later. For now, you can simple refer to me as: The Exulted One. To tell you the truth, as I always will, I've wanted to be a man of the cloth since I was tiny, So tiny that I had to wear a back brace to stay out of the fetal position.
Top California emerging artist, Farrell Hamann. Click on image to go to Facebook account.
I just woke up like this, get back!
OK, wife's stupid idea. She begged and begged me to put on this wedding dress. No, it was not hers! Hah, as a bonus, if you click on this pic, you will be taken to 20 photos of huge, giant, world class FISH!! One pic has Ernest Hemingway in it....